Fake pastors, fake miracles, fake prophecies - UCHE EZEUDU | 360LIFE BLOG - 360Life Blog


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Wednesday, 23 October 2019

Fake pastors, fake miracles, fake prophecies - UCHE EZEUDU | 360LIFE BLOG

Fake prophecies

Fake pastors, fake miracles, fake prophecies.

I have a story and more stories. Are you ready?
 When it comes to prayer houses and prophecies, I am as cynical and doubtful as the word goes. Mind you, I'm Catholic and that's the way forward for me; baggage and all, nsogbu adiro.
All these "I saw vision", "this one will happen", etc, etc. I just nod, smile and say "thank you".
That was how sometime in March, my Mum and I went to visit a family friend of ours. We met a woman (Sistuche) who started familiarizing herself with us o.
From the conversation, we found out she was a Prophetess. Sistuche started with "Skrubababa!! Jesus! Jesus! Jesus!".

๐Ÿ™„๐ŸคฅKilode? Sistuche continued speaking in tongues o. Ngwaanu prophecy began.
Give a wiper first!!๐Ÿ’ƒ๐Ÿฝ
She told me that by April, I'll get married. That my husband will come from abroad.
Nekwanu mooo!! This is October and I'm not married, I'm still in Lagos hustling for bus๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿคฃ๐Ÿคฃ๐Ÿคฃ
"Jesus! Jesus! Jesus! Speak Lord! Uche, hope you'll invite me for your wedding?"
Me: Yes ma ๐Ÿค—
Shebi it's April wedding?๐Ÿ˜Ž๐Ÿ˜Ž
Fake prophets

Whenever a supposed prophecy comes, my mind starts doing the calculations on its own. I start looking for loopholes although I might not voice it out so that I don't offend the "spirits".
My Mum had just returned from the East and she fell ill. She was receiving treatment and recuperating when *Sistuche* visited.
After conversing for a while, *Sistuche* asked me to get scarves so we could pray. I did as told and prayers started.
First thing I heard was "Jesus! Jesus! Jesus!"

 Ozokwa?!๐Ÿ™„๐Ÿ™„ Jesus onye obi ebele๐Ÿ˜ถ๐Ÿ˜ถ
At that point, what was going through my mind was, why can't *Sistuche* be creative and speak in an unheard of language so the kabashing can be unique and inspire seriousness?
Why she dey disturb Jesus upandan?๐Ÿค”
She placed a hand on my Mum's stomach and continued praying. She told my Mum not to worry that she's pregnant with twins that's why she's sick๐Ÿคฃ๐Ÿคฃ๐Ÿคฃ๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚
Onye amuma muo nso!!!๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿคฃ๐Ÿคฃ๐Ÿคฃ

Pregnancy bi ti bawo? Someone that has been diagnosed with malaria typhoid in the hospital?
There were unspoken words between my Mum and I because I don't want to voice my doubts so it won't be as if I'm an enemy of progress.
We're still in October o, I never see twins๐Ÿ™„๐Ÿ™„
Sister fire fire!! Sister oku nerere!!๐Ÿ”ฅ๐Ÿ”ฅ๐Ÿ”ฅ

I remember a certain Pastor Christian's church I was dragged to some years back. Hmm, I decided to go and watch film because I was bored.
First of all, it was a *pako* prayer house. As soon as the program started, the Pastor asked the church members to come sow a seed on the pulpit just because we couldn't expect blessings from God and not give in return.
People started coming to drop money on the altar. That wasn't enough as the Pastor came up again and said some people were insulting God by dropping N50 on the altar.

 Did God complain to him?
Soon enough, prayers started and it rained fire and brimstone. The speaking in tongues was hefty. I mean *hefty* He was going round touching, pushing, spitting on people's faces and delivering them of unimaginable things.
In my mind, I was saying "abiakwala nso" (no just reach here)๐Ÿ™„
Intermittently, he'd stop to say something about a person. Fearful stories and more drama.
He prophesied to persons that they'd travel out of the country.

If they travel out, who will remain?
Prayers were over and it was time for individual counselling; more like individual prophecy.
I overheard his conversation with a woman. There he told her that God made her to be a very successful person in this life. Something was done to her when she was still a baby and as such, her progress has been impeded. By now, she was supposed to be akin to a Governor with her own convoy whenever she was going out. However, he'd pray for her and things would be fine.
The woman in question was a large woman...

So my guess is, he gave her the prophecy according to her size๐Ÿคญ
My turn reached o and I tried my best to stifle my laughter as best as I could.
The first question that was thrown at me was "Who *disfarchin* you?"
My mind was blank.
First of all, why isn't he pronouncing it right? Second, disvirgin how? Virginia like me๐Ÿค—๐Ÿคญ
That was when I put paid to the theory that this Pastor was a scam. He didn't see this one very well.

 With a straight face, I replied "nobody" and he asked again, to which I replied negatively.
I watched as he lost his countenance for a short while and I smirked. Bingo!
The network he used to see that one didn't project well. So he'll tell me that they've collected my destiny okwaya? Onye oshi a zulaza!!๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜
Pastor Christian quickly regained his composure and said no problem. He gave me some scriptures to read and prescribed three days fasting.

I left that program feeling satisfied. Another story to tell.
What brought about these fake pastor stories?
Last night, my Mum was on call with her brother who was out of the country and she told him that one sister oku nerere told her to tell him that things were not as rosy for him as it should be because he was living with a woman and the foundation of the house he lived in wasn't good (spirikoko good, I mean)
I was like ๐Ÿ™„๐Ÿคฅ?? In the obodo oyibo again? Hian hian!!

 As soon as she relayed the information to her brother, all hell let loose.
That one that is not kuku alright said "Ala gbachi kwa ya nti. Si that woman na onwero ife o na fu." (Let madness scatter her ear. Tell that woman that she's not seeing anything)
I just burst laugh that yesterday ehn. Uncle went ahead to do video call just to confirm that he wasn't living with any woman.
Sister vision vision!!!๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚๐Ÿ˜‚

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